The Mom Walk of Shame

Whenever I thought about having children, way back before I had a child, I had a much warped idea of how it would be. Sure, I knew that kids threw fits. Sure, I understood that they could be difficult. Never did I think I would have a child that could be so difficult when he felt like it.

Now, before I go further, let me say that I do not engage in, nor do I condone physical abuse of your child(ren) in any way. I don't spank. I don't slap. I don't hit. I feel bad when I grab my kid's arm a little rougher than I intended to. But...

Have you ever just wanted to knock your nearly three year old out so that he would stop embarrassing you in public?

We were having a wonderful day! Well, sort of. I woke up WAY to late this morning. To crashing noises. What the hell is he doing? I thought. Rather than rushing out to the kitchen to see what he was into this weekend (this is a regular occurrence - he even turns my alarm off to get more play time on some days), I stayed in bed and waited for him to come to me. Sure enough, he presented a freshly scratched leg and through the tears, announces that "the chair did it."

At this point I'm figuring he was trying to reach the fruit snacks again, which, by the way, are in a cabinet above my head for a reason. So, I gave him a kiss and started in on the "didn't we talk about this last night? You aren't supposed to be getting into things while mommy sleeps. If you wake up before mommy you need to wake her up" talk. I've had that talk so many times...

My mind starts thinking of the new way I'm going to keep him out of trouble, since the ones I have thought of so far have been, in large part, unsuccessful. Suddenly I realize, his leg is covered in little 1/2 inch marks of really pretty in...k...wait a minute! That is PERMANENT MARKER! Oh SHIT.

Thankfully, he managed to keep the marker on my cardboard coffin project and himself. But that was just not the morning I was looking forward to. So, yet another "you can't do this" talk, a time out (which was more for me than him - I needed to cry a little...PMS), some quick clean up and moving of markers that I thought were high enough out of his reach, and I now have to decide whether we should go to the Railroad Museum like I had planned....

What can I say? The kid has me wrapped around his cute little pinkie finger. So we got ready and headed out to the Railroad Museum. We had a great time! Apparently his (idiot) father has already taken him there (nothing like finding something like that out to make me feel like a terrible mother...no him getting into permanent markers while I sleep does not make me feel like a terrible mother, his father taking him somewhere before I do does). But, because of his previous visit he is totally in his niche.

The guy at the counter told me about a train ride they were offering today, so we decided to go take a ride. After about an hour of literally RUNNING through the train exhibits (apparently taking in the scenery is a lost concept on a three year old), we headed out to buy tickets for the train ride and got some much needed lunch.

He was so incredibly great this whole time! During lunch, we were sitting there completely silent, and as he reached forward to get a fry he said to me "I love you so much!" *sniff* I nearly cried! After we ate we headed back over to the museum for a little while before the train ride. They have an area in the museum that has some Thomas the Train toys (which was not as awesome as I had pictured in my head...), and he had a great time playing there....despite the jerky little kids with even bigger jerk parents who don't bother to pay attention to their child who just stole another child's toy while knocking the other child over.

After some serious Thomas the Train enjoyment, we headed over to the train ride. He had a wonderful time on the train, but got scared when the engine couldn't reconnect to the car and had to keep ramming the car we were in.

I guess, somewhere during the day, he decided that after the train ride, we would be going back to play with the Thomas the Train toys. Well, we couldn't, because the museum was closed. I explained this to him. Normally he does just fine with the concept of "that *insert store, ride, park, whatever here* is closed". Not today.

In the middle of an incredibly crowded store he started in on the "I wanna play with Thomas!" whining. No biggie, I'm thinking, because I'll do what I normally do and repeat myself over and over and over and...Suddenly I realize he is collapsing. Onto the floor. And pulling everything within arms length off the shelves.

My hands were completely full with merchandise, so I was doing the one handed reach down and pull the kid up by the arm pit move. Usually successful. Unless you have a camera around your neck. That you whack him with as you lean down.

Melt down begins!

I ended up picking him up by the armpits, merchandise under my own armpit, and pushed my way out of the crowded store. This of course, was after I got down to his level, and in very hushed, through the teeth tones, asked him ever so nicely but firmly to STOP IT! So here I am, walking through this crowded store, with a now screaming toddler hanging from me. You would think people would move right? Not here apparently. The only conclusion I could come to was that this was the first screaming child anyone had ever encountered in their entire life because everyone just stared at me like I was an alien.

By now the meltdown had progressed to not only screaming, but also a bit of kicking. That is my favorite kind! I slapped the merchandise down on a counter and just pushed my way out of the store - without saying a word.

Again I was greeted by bewildered, what the hell is going on with that child? looks. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most kids have at least ONE melt down during their lives? Why was I greeted with so many judgemental, what kind of parent are you? type stares?? That was rhetorical. I know why. It is because people are ass holes.

The area that we were in is an older part of the city, and it is considered a historic state park, so there are actually ally ways behind the buildings. I took the kid around the corner into an ally with me and I said my typical "when you want to calm down I'll talk to you" sch-peel to him. But this time, there was this family just staring at me while I dealt with the kid. I have never wanted to knock him out more. Keep in mind, he has been screaming at the top of his lungs this entire time.

After a couple of minutes of this I decided he wasn't calming down (what tipped me off? It was his screaming "I want to say sorry" and when I responded, "OK, then do it" he fell to the floor like I had just told him I didn't love him anymore). So, I grabbed him by the hand and said "we're going home." That went over like a lead pillow.

He quickly went from resistant walking to just being dragged. So I picked him up, and he went stiff so that I couldn't hold on to him. I looked up just in time to see one of my coworkers. Wonderful. I don't know if she noticed me, but if she did, she pretended she didn't (thank you!).

The entire three blocks to the parking garage I was carrying the kid while he screamed incomprehensible stuff at the top of his lungs. I nearly dropped him on his head TWICE because he was struggling to get out of my arms. I can only imagine that I either looked like I was kidnapping him or like I was just a bad mother.

The entire three blocks I could literally feel the judgemental stares of people. I wanted to say to each one of them - "either you aren't a parent, or I will strive to be more like you since you clearly had perfect children." My head was pounding and I wanted to put him down and just walk away. Instead I took him to the car, put him in the passenger seat, closed the door, walked around to the back, sat down on the bumper and called my mom. In tears.

I asked her if she ever wanted to knock me or my sisters out. She said "yes."